Local Kids Too Cool for Custody Hearing

While their parents are in the courtroom, fighting over a custody agreement neither are satisfied with, three siblings are taking off on their BMX bikes, skateboards, and when they’re old enough, their dad’s old motorcycle. 

Meet Lexi, Jack, and Nicki, the coolest kids on the block. So cool, it seems that their parents have no sway over them. They’re outside on this beautiful Monday morning, pulling off some sick kick flips on the court stairs’ handrail. 

“Yeah, like, I get that mom and dad are super heated about this, but like, chill, you know?” Lexi popped a large bubble, pulling the gum back for another volley of peppermint. “Like, we only live a few blocks away either way, so like, what’s the big deal?” 

When asked why they weren’t in the courtroom, Jack stepped in to speak for the siblings. “It’s totally lame,” the middle child said. “Like, suits? No thanks. Dad’s been totally uncool since his accident, and mom isn’t much better, so like, whatever, you know?” 

Jack is referring to his father, Randy Maxx, and his devastating motorcycle accident in Seattle a few years prior to the divorce. While attempting a major stunt, his bike failed. The fall shattered his legs and left him unable to ride. A Seattle injury attorney helped him sue, but the compensation wasn’t getting him back on a bike. 

When the court took a break, we caught up with the family. “Please, call me Randall Maximum. I don’t really perform anymore.” 

Randall Maximum seemed unhappy with the situation thus far. “I know, there’s only so much my lawyer can do, but . . . well, it’s just so tough, working with Bernadette on this, and the kids—they’re just so cool, you know? Just trying to get them to do anything is a nightmare.” 

Indeed, the kids haven’t been seen in appropriate dress attire for the courtroom this entire time. 

Bernadette had plenty to say about that. “I get where Randall is coming from, I do. I know this is tough for him, especially since the kids are way cooler than he is. But, let’s face facts here—he was always struggling to keep up with them. I mean, Nicki was walking around on top of the jungle gym by the time she was four, how cool is that? And how can a retired stunt driver named Randall ever compete?” 

We returned to the kids for some final statements. They were lounging in the sun, wearing sunglasses and sipping tall glass bottles of soda. 

“I mean, I love our parents and all,” Nicki said, “but like, come on. What do they, like, even need us in there for? I know the judge is a total stickler for the rules, but it’s boring. Like, blah blah best interests, blah blah parenting time, like, whatever. They’re the establishment and stuff, they’re gonna make the rules anyway.” The other two nod along, looking off into the distance with devastatingly apathetic expressions. 

Judge Dale “Daredevil” Dalman is expected to step in soon, if the children continue ignoring their summons. How will this clash end? While it’s unclear, we expect some totally rad results for both the children and their parents. 

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