Fangs for Nothing: Vampires Seek Divorce, Split Centuries of Junk

After centuries of living together and acting as head members of the vampire clans of Chicago, Vivienne and Hubert Barneby are seeking a divorce, which could affect many of the local blood-suckers as the clan is rocked with the split. 

“Admittedly, most of us aren’t surprised,” Anastasia van der Wolf, their 240-year-old neighbor, said in a recent interview. “Personally, I’m just waiting for the yard sale. Have you seen their house?” 

The Barneby estate is three stories tall and contains treasures from all around the world—treasures that must now be sorted from the junk as the couple divide their property. Many vampires close to the couple say the trouble started with the accident. 

“Yeah, the two got into this huge car crash, see? Hubert, he didn’t do so well. Lost an arm, see? Now, it was a real complicated case from what I hear, and they had to get some lawyers from Lane & Lane or something, but they got this big settlement. But he didn’t get back to doing his whole vampire thing.” 

While the pair lived in relative comfort, Hubert himself admits that he developed a problem after his accident: the Internet. Soon, the house filled up with relics of varying quality, considering the vampires didn’t exactly need the money in the same way a human might. 

Vivienne claims it’s not just the junk that piled up after the accident, but it was a contributing factor. “I mean, look at this mess!” she exclaimed when letting us into her home. “It’s disgusting, really. Hubert keeps hiring maids and such to keep the mess at bay, but really, who would turn down free drinks? Ah, but I digress.” 

She explained that, while the divorce wasn’t final, it would settle plenty of disputes between the two. They had butted heads with one another many times, something their neighbors and fellow vampires alike could attest to. 

“Sometimes, you just don’t get along anymore. In my day, you’d have to kill your spouse to get such freedom, but these modern times make it so easy.” When one of our team asked if she was still thinking about killing him, she laughed. “Well, if he keeps giving me trouble, he may not be around to see the final divorce decree, let us say.” 

Hubert was quicker to talk about the pranks they’d play with one another, which became all too serious. “She sprinkled sunflower seeds all around my room once, knowing I’d have to stop and count them,” he said, once we’d arrived at his home office, where several Amazon boxes sat unopened in the corner. “It took me all night, so I had to go straight back to my coffin. It’s embarrassing, honestly, to be treated in such a way in my own home.” 

When asked if he had done anything to provoke the act, he blushed and changed the subject. “Look, the point is, we’ve had three hundred years together. Maybe it is time we saw other people, lived a little. If she doesn’t like my collection of artifacts and antiquities, then that’s fine.” He gestured to the hundreds of Funko Pops along the back wall of the room. “Some people just don’t understand taste.” 

The couple will officially discuss their divorce and what that will mean for the vampire community next week at a closed business meeting. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *