Local Man Loses Man Cave, Children

“She really pulled the rug out from under me, and right at playoffs. Where am I going to watch the big game with the boys now?”

After fifteen years of marriage, James Weber, 36, is losing some of the most important things in his life: his flat-screen TV, his favorite couch, and his special corner of the world where he could rule as king. 

“I just don’t understand it,” he said, when asked for comment. “She knows how much the big game means to me. The boys, the pizza rolls, the atmosphere … It’s just part of it, you know?”

The couple announced they were getting divorced in PA when Lynne Weber, 34, decided she couldn’t take it anymore. Reports of angry Facebook statuses reached us at around 8 PM, when the two clashed over dinner. Lynne is now seeking her fair share of their marital property, which includes the house and other property. That means the man cave may also be hers. 

When we spoke to Ms. Weber, though, her priorities were different. 

“Did he even mention the kids? No, of course he didn’t. He’s never even changed little Annie’s diapers. He just disappears into his “domain.” “I swear, it’s like living with a caveman.”

The Weber children, ages 2, 7, and 16, don’t seem surprised by this update. The eldest, Michelle, stated that she’s fine with staying with her mother anyway. 

“I know kids are supposed to like pizza, but we have pizza all the time when football season starts. . . and then hot dogs in baseball season.” She went on to list similar food-sport combinations, while her mother searched for nutritionists in the area. 

Mr. Weber maintains his innocence, however. He plans to seek out a fair property split, which may mean keeping the house, or selling it and splitting the profits. 

“I mean, sure, I’d love to see the kids! They can come over, play some b-ball, maybe rev up the XBox or something, fun stuff. I mean, I’ll be paying child support, probably, but I could probably chip in for some soda and pizza. It’s all about what the kids want, right?”

Mr. Weber’s attorney declined to comment, but our sources suggest that, yes, Mr. Weber will be paying child support if his wife receives full custody of the children. 

In the end, though, the children have stated that they’re on their mother’s side. The middle child, Will, considers this a net good for his mother. 

“We’re gonna get the house, probably, and Mama says we can turn the extra room into a playroom for us or something. Plus, we don’t have to be real quiet on game days. She lets us run around and around and around and make a bunch of noise, and the dogs can play and stuff.”

Mr. Weber still has faith in the system, though. He believes that, whoever, the judge is, “He’s got to understand that sometimes, a man needs a little space of his own.”

Judge Marie Anne Barker will be presiding over the case in court next week. 

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